“How wonderful has it been to have a few weeks off, just to do nothing?!”, a friend asked yesterday. Truth is, having less to do is so much harder than I thought it would be. In some ways, it has been wonderful (picking my kiddo up early from school, and long coffee dates with friends). But without the normal busyness and chaos to get lost in, there’s time to think. And time for God to kick your butt about things that need to be changed in order to grow.
In the silence, God might show you how you’ve put so much of yourself into proving your value that you let friendships fall by the wayside. And he might show you how you put more effort into being approved of by people than being righteous in His sight. And he might remind you that you’ve got some deep wounds that you’ve used busyness to hide from rather than dealing with. And then, he’ll probably show you how you’ve allowed your bank account to provide more security than trusting Him to provide. Wait…I guess all that’s just me, right?
And after you are broken and tender from acknowledging that you have been in control for far too long, God will whisper in the quiet. “Trust Me. I Rejoice Over You. I Have A Plan For You. You Are Enough.” And you’ll cry some more, but this time, they’ll be tears of relief, rather than tears of frustration or regret.
Why do we resist in our surrender, when it feels so good to know that someone else much bigger and smarter is there to take control? I can look back now and see the moment in time when I decided I needed to take charge, because I could always depend on me. God gives us talents, and He knows some of us will use them for all the wrong reasons. Meanwhile, He nudges. He lets us ache in that void that only He can fill. And at some point, we get still and quiet and finally hear what He’s been saying for so long. In a way, I feel like an idiot for going around the same mountain so many times (and I am confident I’m not done yet). But rather than look back, I’m choosing to focus on verses like Jeremiah 29:11 and Joshua 1:9 and Psalms 3:3 that remind me that there is so much more to life than what I was allowing myself to experience.
The messiness of a well-lived life is so much more rewarding, don’t you think?